Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
