Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text