drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
