So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
