so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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