So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
