so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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