Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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