does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
