omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
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FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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