Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
