obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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