i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
