I cockslap morals
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
