How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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