About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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