wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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