Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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