Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
