I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
