I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
