You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize