and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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