Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
