this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
