Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
