I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
