The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Randomize
