I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
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I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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