How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
