i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Sorry about my life...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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