shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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