My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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