So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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