its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
