When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
