hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
