after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
