I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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