evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
