checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
