Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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