I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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