just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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