I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
