An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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