she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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