The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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