Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
