I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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