why didn't you poke me back
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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