You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
