he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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