I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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