I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
