Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize