my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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