i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
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I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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